The Student – Violet Lim

Close to two years ago, I made a 20 hours journey from Singapore to Rochester, United States with much joy and happiness in my heart as I was going to witness the happy union between two wonderful individuals, my best friend Dr Yap Tsiao Yi and her boyfriend of 9 years Dr Tan Tow Shung.

Last Friday, I made a one hour journey from Singapore to Penang. But this time, it was with a heavy laden heart. Tow Shung has returned to the arms of the Lord last Wednesday on 18 May 2011. When I first heard the news, my first reaction was shock, followed by grief.

Tow Shung was diagnosed with advanced stage metastatic esophageal cancer in Oct 2007. He was only 29. Tow Shung went to Chung Ling High School in Penang before pursuing his medical degree at IMU (then known as IMC) in Kuala Lumpur. He was on the Dean's List. He was the President of the Student Council. Later, he went off to complete his medical degree at McGill University together with Tsiao Yi. Thereafter, he started his medical career at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic. He had an amazing and bright future ahead of him.

Many people would have asked "Why me?" Many would have curse God. Many would have turn away from their faith. But Tow Shung never did that. His faith in the Lord has never wavered in the last 3 years and 7 months. Tow Shung passed away peacefully at home, lying on his bed, with his wife and best friend Tsiao Yi by his side. And at his bedside table was his bible and other Christian literature.

At the wake service, his soon-to-be 90 years old grandfather shared his memories of Tow Shung. His grandfather said that Tow Shung was a great organiser – he organised his 50th, then 60th wedding anniversary celebration. Tow Shung promised to organise his 90 years old birthday this year…

His mother shared that one of the best qualities of Tow Shung is his sense of responsibility. Even when he was about 4 years old, she could rely on him to look after his baby sister and report on all the important things that have happened while his mum was away.

His younger sister shared about his humility and his consideration for others. She told us about how towards the last few weeks of his life, as his body started to jerk uncontrollably at times and he would drop his utensils or food at the dining table and he would apologise profusely, when their mother would be happy to scold the table instead.

His father spoke about reading the many well-wishes and kind notes on the blog that Tow Shung has created on Caring Bridge to share his journey with cancer. Yes, Tow Shung called it a journey. His father was overwhelmed and in awe with the many messages left on his blog… knowing how many lives Tow Shung has touched and inspired: doctors, nurses, patients, friends and strangers alike all around the world.

Many have written about him in their blogs and their Facebook statuses. One young medical student is so inspired by Tow Shung that he has decided to start a medical blog. He said Dr Tan Tow Shung is his role model.

Tow Shung was not only a serious student but he also knows when and how to have fun. His buddy, a fellow doctor, shared the beautiful memories and fun times they had while studying abroad in this video.

I never got to know Tow Shung as well as I would have liked as he and Tsiao Yi were based in the US, and me in Asia. Yet, reading his blog, I have been deeply inspired by his strength and his courage as he journeyed along the last 3 years and 7 months. Many would have given up and turned bitter with life. Many would have just stopped living, and just let cancer take over their life. But he did not do that.

Tow Shung went on to complete his specialist studies at Mayo Clinic. He tied the knot with his college sweetheart Tsiao Yi after 9 years of courtship.

It was a very beautiful and touching wedding and I am so grateful that I could be there to witness their testament of true and unconditional love. Many were initially apprehensive of their union as he has stage 4 cancer. However, my brave best friend never hesitated as she said 'yes' to his marriage proposal. In the last 3 years and 7 months, she has been his greatest supporter, his caretaker and his pillar of strength.

As they returned to Malaysia last year, he could have just stayed at home and rest, we would all have understand… but yet he continued to touch lives and inspire others as he joined Penang Medical College as a lecturer.

The pastor at the funeral service was right… Tow Shung has lived a full and complete life. Tow Shung has lived his life to the fullest.

At the funeral service last Saturday, there was not one dry eye in the church. Tow Shung has touched all of us in so many ways. He was a faithful believer, a loving husband, a filial son, a caring physician and a loyal brother, nephew, cousin and friend.

His strength and his courage would continue to inspire us all. His positive take on his journey as a cancer patient will always remind me that…

We ALWAYS have a choice. We can either curse and complain when life throws us a curve ball. Or we can face up to it and make the best out of life and live our life to the fullest. For that, I forever thank him…

Tow Shung, till we meet again on that beautiful shore…

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Recently, an associate shared with me that she and another colleague of ours are very envious of me, because I have snagged such a great guy. My hubby Jamie comes across as a good husband as well as a good father. They even said that my hubby's type of man is probably in extinction. It is not possible to find a man like that anymore.

When I shared this later with my hubby, I said with mock indignant, "How come nobody says that you are a lucky guy?" Hubby said without missing a beat, "I am a lucky guy!" See, I love this man!

Jokes aside…. I thought it is long overdue that I share some tips with my dear readers on how to 'snag' a great guy, as truly, I know and believe with all my heart that I am blessed to have met and later 'snag' my dearest hubby. I give thanks everyday to have such a wonderful husband and fantastic father for my children.

So, here's my 'secret' step-by-step approach:

Step 1: Ask yourself, "What is my definition of a great guy?"

Problem is, we are often looking at the wrong things. Before I met Jamie, my definition of a great guy or at least an ideal guy for me is someone who is outgoing, talkative, life of the party… and of course he must be witty and humorous. Anybody who have met Jamie would definitely NOT have used the above adjectives to describe him.

In fact, when I invited him to come for my high school reunion, he asked if he could bring a book, and I said OK. And when he first met some of my ex-colleagues from the bank, they actually asked me, "What do you see in him?!" because he was so quiet then and did not say much.

I am definitely blessed because even though I must admit I was initially attracted to Jamie for biologically-driven reasons, when I got to know him better, it was beyond the surface. I realised that he is indeed my soul mate because among others, we share the same values and same life goals. It no longer mattered that he is not outgoing, talkative and life of the party…! Now, I wondered what was I thinking then?!

The most brilliant diamond is often hidden underneath what might seem like a rough rock. Look beyond the surface. Your perfect match might not come in the package that you expect, but if you could just spend some time to get to know him better, he could be the perfect guy for you.

Step 2: Being happy on your own

Are you happy on your own? Or are you looking for a man to fill the huge empty space in your life? Is this an important question, you might ask? Yes it is. Because depending on your answer, the approach you take to life and finding a man would be very different.

A woman who is happy on her own comes across as self-assured and confident, and of course happy. A woman who has a huge gap to be filled usually comes across as needy. And being too needy will definitely send most guys packing.

Basically, men want to be with women who are happy, who are contented, who are positive and optimistic. Why? Because when they imagine a future with you, they want to feel warm and fuzzy inside, and not shudder in cold sweat. No man wants to be part of a quarrelsome household. If during the dating and courting stage, you are already complaining and nitpicking about everything under the sun, chances are, he will definitely think twice of continuing with the relationship.

Are you currently happy? If you are not, find out why. Fix that first. What is your childhood passion? Go pursue your passion. What is a hobby you have been dying to pick up? Do it now. Where do you want to travel to? Apply for leave and pack your bags. When you are a truly happy person, guys will flock to you like bees to honey. Because honestly, we are all attracted to happy people.

Step 3: Rediscover your Kindness Quotient

Many men, when asked what attracted them to their wives, did not say that because she was pretty or beautiful or even sexy. Many actually said, because she is kind. Are you shocked? Some has also called it the 'Specific Act of Kindness'. Men like women too have certain soft spots and insecurities. Some women worry about coming on too strong. If he is the right type of guy, he probably would not think badly of you. He would just be touched that you are so thoughtful.

Jamie has shared with me that an act that won him over was when I bought him fizzy cola candies from the nearby cinema, and I dropped them off at his place. To me, it was just a random act, as I happened to be watching movies with friends, and I knew that he likes fizzy cola candies. But for him, the act has spoken volumes.

Another girl I know dedicated her time to helping the guy lose weight even before they become an item. She was so patient, supportive and encouraging, and the guy was so completely touched by her. They eventually got together and he gave her one of the sweetest marriage proposals I have ever heard. And he absolutely adores her.

Men do not like materialistic women. Men do not like opportunistic women. Men do not like to be taken for a ride. In short, men are not stupid.

Instead of thinking of what you can get from the guy, think of what you can give him. And actually, a great guy is not looking for much. He is simply looking for someone who appreciates him for who he is, and someone who is not afraid to give or wear her heart on the sleeve.

At the end of the day, like anything in life, your mindset will determine your behaviour which will in turn determine your actions. If you do not believe that it is possible to 'snag' a great guy, because they are an extinct species, chances are… you won't!

All the great guys are NOT married or gay. There are actually many wonderful men out there if you bother to search and scour. Keep your eyes and mind open, and I assure you, you will be surprised that your 'great guy' could be right under your nose!

Happy dating!

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Violet Lim

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Honestly, I was quite put off with the movie title at first. Love in Space? Hmm…

However, I was attracted to the star-studded cast (Aaron Kwok, Eason Chan, Rene Liu, Xu Fan, Angelababy), and hey, it's a love comedy after all right? Thus, when offered a pair of tickets by omy.sg to catch the preview screening, I decided to give the movie a chance.

To cut the long story short, the movie revolves around a mother and her three daughters who have achieved much in life, but there's something missing in all their lives… you guess it… L.O.V.E. As the story unfolds, we are introduced to the mother and the three lovely daughters – their lives, their aspirations and their love matches.

The movie explores many different themes of romantic love.

Between the mother and her love match, it is about companionship between two people in their twilight years, two people sharing the same interest – cooking. Will love blossom?

Between the first sister and her fellow astronaut (that's probably where the cheesy movie title comes from…), it is about lost love found. They used to date each other, but due to some misunderstandings, they broke up. Will they rekindle their long lost relationship?

Between the second sister and her match, it is about putting aside prejudices and differences, and working together to make a seemingly impossible relationship to work. Will it work?

And between the youngest sister and her beau, it is a love story between a superstar and a 'commoner'. Will she choose love over her career? After all, she has signed a contract to not be in a relationship for 5 years.

Out of the four love stories, the most touching story for me is the love story of the second sister. It is a most unlikely match because she is a cleanliness freak (she actually has to see a psychiatrist for her condition), and he is a rubbish collector. Well, to be fair, he is the only heir in the family-run business, but unfortunately he is involved in the daily operations. They had a false start to their could be relationship, and at one point, it seemed as it their relationship would not stand a chance. But as fate would have it, they ended up bumping into each other again, literally. What really made this love story work is also the chemistry between the actor (Eason Chan) and the actress (Gwei Lun-Mei).

I would give this movie a 7 out of 10 rating. It is entertaining enough, there were many scenes that got the whole cinema laughing out loud. It is touching enough, quite a number of scenes made me tear. And I did walk out of the movie theatre, feeling that it is time well spent. Even hubby who was initially dragged there to watch the movie had a good time. That says something!

The movie is out in all major cinemas today in Singapore, Malaysia and Hong Kong. Go catch it now!

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Violet Lim

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Have not updated my blog in months. And the significant other has started to nag me. 'When was the last time you blogged?' he asked.

The reason for the lack of blog posts is usually the same. The lack of time. Or more often the lack of inspiration.

And I guess, the truth is…

The strive for perfection.

I am unable to post up a blog post that I do not feel strongly about. In other words, I refuse to write for the sake of writing. Maybe I should. Because then, I would probably have more frequent posts, and more regular readers.

The strive for perfection is also often the bane when it comes to singles looking for a mate.

Is he tall enough? Is she pretty enough?

Does he earn enough? Is she slim enough?

Is he really nice? Or is he faking it? Or why is he SO nice? There must be something wrong with him.

And when we finally meet the right person, we realise that, they are not perfect after all. Because we have come to realise that it is not possible to find someone who's perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and more often than not, we have many flaws.

It is better to build a relationship with someone who is 'not so perfect' but whom you love, rather than spend your whole life trying to look for that perfect someone, only to be sorely disappointed to know that he or she does not exist.

And so, what is the definition of perfect?

After being in a relationship with the significant other for 11 years, and being married for 6 years… I have realised that… life's perfect when you are contented…. and happy. It's all in your state of mind.

When you are feeling fulfilled and blissful, everything is perfect…

You can't search out perfection. Perfection will come searching for you! When you have finally put away your check list syndrome, get rid of your emotional baggage, lower your defences, open up your heart… and go into the relationship with an open mind, and a positive attitude.

All the best in your path to meeting perfection…!

P/S I promise I would work on posting more regularly instead of seeking perfection.

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Violet Lim

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I dreamt of getting married by the age of 26.

Yes, when I was growing up, that was my goal. To get married by the time I am 26, and to have my first child when I am 28.

I am very blessed… when I finally got married, I actually 'beat' my goal by a year. Jamie and I got married when I was 25 and he was 29. And among our friends, we are one of the few that so-called 'married young'.

Why did I have a target to marry by 26 years old?

Come to think about it… I am not sure. Perhaps I grew up in a family where my parents are deeply in love, and have a stable marriage. I am sure they have their set of marital challenges like everybody else, but they managed to ride through the storms and they provided me with a happy and secure family environment.

Having such a goal since young, I have never been shy to share this goal with people whom I know or guys whom I am dating seriously. I know, I know… some people would ask,

"Aren't you afraid that guys would run away?"

"Aren't you afraid that guys would think that you are desperate to get married?"

"Violet, why are you SO desperate?"

In life, we all have goals and dreams. And at the beginning of every year, we will often set new year resolutions… setting our goals for the upcoming year. And since we can set goals for our career, our health, our travel plans… in other words every single aspect of our lives, why can't we set a goal for our lifelong happiness?

Why are we so afraid to be termed as 'desperate'? Why are we so scared to declare our true intentions? Why are we so worried that we cannot even set our own rules? Instead, we're being ruled by what others want. And some of us are so afraid that we will even go out of our way to tell others… "I don't really need to get married…" when deep down, that's what you truly and deeply yearn for.

With everything in life, you will not succeed unless you have a dream, a strong belief and an action plan.

If you do not even dream of getting married, why would you end up being married?

If you do not believe you would ever be able to get married, chances are you won't.

And you can dream and believe all you want, but if you do not do anything about it, then it's highly unlikely your dream girl or prince charming would just fall from the sky.

Life is short. Do not spend time worrying about what others might think of you or say about you. You cannot please everyone, and neither should you. Do what you think is right. If you are not going to 'fight' for your own happiness, nobody will.

My wish for you in 2012…

For those who are single and looking… be bold. Dare to dream and set a goal for your lifelong happiness. It might not happen overnight or it might not even happen in the year 2012, but if you have a dream that you truly believe in, and you work towards your goal, you can only be one step closer to finding love.

For those who are in a relationship not sure where it is heading… be courageous. What was your dream? Was it to get married by the time you are 26, 28, 30 or 35 years old? Whatever it was, put your foot down and declare your intention. The right guy or girl would not run. Yes you heard me right. He or she might feel very uncomfortable or even scared, but the right person would not bolt. If he or she quits on you, then he or she was never the right one to begin with.

For those who are in happy and fulfilling relationships… be thankful. I am really glad that you have made the right choice. Treasure and cherish your partner for you are truly blessed to have found one another.

To my dearest readers, Merry Christmas and have a wonderful year ahead!

If you feel that this post might benefit your single friends who are looking for love, please tweet it or share it on Facebook. Thank you in advance!

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Violet Lim

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2011 is another of those years where I look back and think… "Is this one of those years that has just passed by unceremoniously?" Because as compared to say 2010, I can't seem to identify one single successful milestone. When I shared this with Jamie, he said, "You are being too hard on yourself. Look through your calendar, and I am sure you will realise that you have accomplished a lot…" Thank God for the significant other… always logical, practical and eternally supportive.

I did go through my calendar, looking for glimpses of inspiration, and to be honest… secretly hoping I have some successes that I can share with you in this 'annual report'. However, I am still unable to identify many or any worthy feats I felt that was worth sharing.

And just about then, I read a newspaper interview with the Acting Minister of Ministry of Community, Youth and Sports, Chan Chun Sing. He was asked to give his opinion on the declining birth rate in Singapore. He shared that he would not put pressure on his children to get the best grades in school. More importantly, he will nurture them into disciplined, determined and responsible people. The reporter quipped, "But that's not society's definition of success…" Chan then explained that he believes that it is up to us to redefine the definition of success. "There are many roads to 'success' ", he said.

Which led me to think… What is my definition of success?

My definition of success like many others' are "Wealth, financial freedom, high-flying career, fame…" In other words, no failures. The reason I felt that I do not have many 'successes' to share this year is because even though I did embark on several new projects this year, most of them either did not pan out well or did not achieve the level of results that I wanted. This of course has caused me many endless frustrations throughout the year.

As I reflected on this, I suddenly had an epiphany… Steve Jobs would have been the epitome of success for many. Yet, as cancer slowly took over body and his life, I believe something he wished for, something that none of his success could buy is… to regain his health. To have more time to spend with his family. To watch his children grow up.

Closer to home… I have attended many funerals this year. Many of which were precious lives snuffed out by cancer. There were three deaths that I took especially hard. Not because the others who have passed on were not precious in my eyes. But it is because I felt that these three people had their lives cut short, their dreams unfulfilled. They died so young. Too young. They would never have the chance to see their children grow up, graduate, get married. Nor would they have the chance to grow old with their loved ones. Nor would they get to experience doting on their grandchildren. Yet… even as they battled cancer knowing that they did not have long to live, they were determined to live a full and complete life. They continued to inspire the people around them with their unyielding passion and perseverance.

And then I realised… with all that I have been blessed with, what right do I have to complain? Why am I here whining and lamenting? The problem is… my definition of success.

I HAVE TO redefine success. Success is not about material wealth. Success is not about keeping up with the Joneses. Success is not about living up to societal expectations. Because when people are at their deathbeds, their dying wish have never been, "I wished I could have made more money or I wish I have run more businesses…". In fact, I read a report this year about the 5 biggest regrets that people have when they are dying, and the one that struck a chord with me is…

I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

It has finally dawned on me that:

Success is not a destination. It is a journey.

Success is not defined by others. It is defined by what you hold most important to you.

So, what is success?

Success to me is…

A happy marriage, a happy family.

A healthy body, a healthy mind.

Ability to make a difference in people's lives.

With my newly redefined meaning of success, the year 2011 has actually been an extremely successful year!!!

Jamie and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary and our 11th year of being together. He has always remained my rock, my anchor, my cheerleader. Despite my hectic travelling schedule, I have spent a lot of quality time with my parents as well as my two wonderful children. Through Corum and Cara, I have learned to play, to laugh and to smell the roses.

I have never felt healthier… having lost weight and maintaining the weight loss with occasional exercise (I should do more!) and healthy eating.

And everyday, I am making a difference to people's lives through my chosen vocation. Wedding bells have been ringing throughout the year. And we have also been informed of many 'Lunch Actually Babies'. And thanks to my unique profession, I have also been invited to share my journey thus far at many meetings, forums and conventions – giving me a chance to inspire others to either pursue their own entrepreneurial journey or to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship, or both.

Yes, year 2011 has been a SUCCESS! Wow, isn't it amazing how a slight change of perspective changes EVERYTHING?!

To all of you – my family, my friends, my readers who have touched my life in one way or another, I would like to take this opportunity to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart… thank you for making a difference in my life.

And as we usher in the year 2012, I hope you too will take some time to reflect on what success means to YOU…

Happy New Year my dearest friends!

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Violet Lim

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Dear Violet,

My experiences in dating has been nothing but a complete failure. I read your success stories on how couples have found true love on net dating sites or through social events or other avenues.

I tried being more socially active since many years ago when I was an undergraduate. I tried net dating, attended parties etc to know more individuals from the opposite sex but it always turned out to be hi-bye affairs. However, despite the strings of failures, I have never stopped trying. I began to evaluate the reasons of failure, "Why no guys were ever remotely romantically interested in me" I thought it was because of my physical appearances and presentation. I worked hard in improving my looks, and even read up on books on dating and communication. But time and time again, with every attempt of meeting new guys from dating sites, or social events, it always turned up to be yet again a hi-bye affair or guys simply ignored me during social events, choosing to chat with other ladies.

My strings of failures really set me back. I have tried improving my looks, changing my social and communication skills but i always end up with failure. To be honest, I am totally hurted and rejected. Year after year, my attempts in trying to foster even friendships with the opposite gender have failed… I can't help feeling rejected, unwanted, ugly and worthless while I see ppl getting attached one after another. I have also received my fair share of criticism about my looks from guys who have participated in these social events. I just met a guy this year and he tells me once again, he is not looking for a special one. I think im being written off again because of my looks.

I'm getting depressed. should i give up? It seems like a hopeless and endless situation.

Sincerely, P

Dear P,

Thank you for your email, and I would like to commend you for picking up the courage to write in!

It is not easy to see people around you getting hitched, and you are still single day after day, month after month. I know how that feels, because as I was growing up, I am always surrounded by more more attractive and beautiful friends. Guys usually only approach me because they want to be introduced to my pretty friends, or they would like to get more information about my friends. As a result, I used to have inferiority complex about my looks. Growing up, being not too well-acquainted with make-up and dressing up, I did not really know how to make myself more attractive. Thus, I started developing myself in other ways e.g. taking up leadership roles, community service, public speaking etc. At the end of the day, the time spent on self-development was well worth it, because it not only helped me develop my self-confidence, it also helped me meet my husband.

I really applaud you for your efforts in terms of improving your first impression, honing your communication skills and widening your social circles!!! You are definitely on the right track.

Here are some suggestions to help you further increase your dating chances:

1) Get Professional Advice on Grooming and Make-up: Often, it is much easier and more effective to have the professionals tell us how we can improve our outlook, rather than just working on it ourselves. I have invested in both an image consultancy course as well as a personal make-up course. I have to say the personal make-up course is one of the best investments I have made! A good make-up teacher can teach you quick tips and techniques to instantly enhance your features. Check out the numerous YouTube videos that demonstrate the magic of make-up and you know what I mean!

2) Rediscover Your Passion. As much as you would like to spend time finding the right man, I would like to encourage you to spend time on yourself, doing something you enjoy as well. It is important that you have a hobby, an interest, something you are passionate about. It would make you a much happier person. If you are focused on just finding the right man, you might come across as too needy or desperate, and that would definitely send any man running.

3) Explore Alternative Platforms of Meeting People: Men are very visual creatures. And many tend to judge harshly on physical appearances when put in a dating-focused environment. Thus, I would suggest that other than online dating and going for dating events, you could also explore alternative platforms of meeting new people i.e. places or environments where dating is not the main or only agenda. For example, having rediscovered your passion, you can enrol in classes related to your passion. Or, if you are interested in community service, you can be a volunteer. Dating is a numbers game, hence, the more people you meet, the better.

4) Stay Positive: What we focus on expands! If you keep thinking you are not going to succeed, chances are you won't. I know it is not easy, but do your best to stay happy and positive. Find a happy song that would instantly cheer you up. Go out with your girlfriends and indulge in a romantic comedy when you are feeling down. We are all attracted to happy people. So, you will be surprised how far your smile can bring you!

In short, my answer to your question is "No, you are not unwanted, ugly and worthless. And PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP!" You are on the right track and I am sure if you take into the suggestions I have given you, you will definitely increase your chances of meeting the right person, someone who is truly worthy of you…

Take care, and happy dating!

Love, Violet

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Violet Lim

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Apart from matchmaking, public speaking is one of other passions. This is the speech that helped me win the Toastmasters Area Level International Speech Contest.

Have a wonderful weekend, my dearest readers!

***

“Aiyoh, you can’t do it one-la! You might look like him, sound like him, hair also thinning like him, but my friend, you are no Li Ka-Shing, you know! Stop dreaming-la!”

“Girl ah girl, you know mummy love you right? Mummy wants you to succeed, but you know, for people like us, we must be contented with what we have. This is the best you will ever be.”

Contest Chair, distinguished judges, ladies and gentlemen,

When was the last time someone poured cold water on your dreams?

When the last time someone close to you, despite well-intentioned and well-meaning ask you to stop dreaming?

Nick Vujicic was borne with a rare disease – a devastating disease where he was borne without all four limbs – yes, no arms and no legs. He was bullied mercilessly because he is different. They taunted him, they gawked at him, they laughed at him. At 10, he almost drowned himself. After he read a newspaper article about a man despite being severely disabled who went on to live triumphantly, he decided, “I will not kill myself. I will lead a full life. I will make my life matter.” Without hands, he learnt to write with his mouth. Without fingers, he learnt to type with his toes. Without arms and legs, he learned how to surf. And last month, he even did something even our Singapore government has failed to get many of its young citizens to do, he got married.

If anybody had an excuse to be depressed, Nick does.

If anybody had an excuse to stop trying to make his life matter, Nick does.

Yet, Nick has travelled around the world, gave speeches and motivated and inspired three million people.

If Nick can make his life matter, what is our excuse?

When I was 14 years old, I was told by someone whose opinion I should trust, something that I would remember for the rest of my life. This someone is none other than the headmistress of my secondary school. I can still remember that fateful day, where she stood in front of the entire class, stared long and hard at me and told me, “You are good for nothing!” My cheeks started to burn red and hot tears formed in my eyes. I bite my tongue as I knew better than to retort the headmistress.

10 years later, I quit my banking job to start a dating company with my husband. I was scared, I was worried, and do I have what it takes to make it? We worked very hard, and now our business spans across three countries. With God’s grace, we have touched thousands of lives and created hundreds of happy marriages. We have been featured on Bloomberg, Forbes, CNBC Asia and many others.

Fortunately for me, I never believed her .

Someone might have put us down, step all over our dignity and pride. There’s no excuse. We still can make our life matter.

I recently caught a movie and something the main character said struck a deep chord with me.

She said, “I will never be one of those women, who stay silent and pretty on the arm of her husband. Or remote and alone in the kitchen doing the washing up for that matter. One’s life must matter, Denis, beyond all the cooking and the cleaning and the children. One’s life must mean more than that.”

This was said by Margaret Thatcher, the first and only female UK Prime Minister. In those days, it is remarkable for a woman for a woman to become a Member of Parliament. She herself never thought she would see a female Prime Minister in her life time.

The odds were against her. People laughed at her screechy voice. Her opponents were conspiring for her to fail.

When the time came to prove her mettle, when her country needed her, she stepped up and made her life matter.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Whatever we do, wherever we are in our life journey, we can make our life matter.

If you want to start your own business, just do it. It does not matter that you have to start out small. It does not matter that your friends think you are crazy. In fact, I have learnt that the crazier they think you are, the better it is!

If you have chosen to be a homemaker, then ace it. Go all out and be the best homemaker you can be. Cook up a storm for your family so they can’t wait to come home for dinner every night. Bring up not just well-educated children, but also children that are compassionate and well-mannered, children that will make a difference to society.

You can do it. Start dreaming again. Make your life matter.

Contest Chair.

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Violet Lim

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Dearest Readers,

Disclaimer: The following post might offend you. If you are not able to keep an open mind, or read it with a pinch of salt, I would suggest that you stop reading right now. Thanks, and have a great day ahead!

I met up with a business associate for lunch the other day, and he shared with me his observations about the fairer sex here on our sunny island of Singapore. He is not from Singapore. He has lived here for close to 20 years.

As this is the first time we are meeting, at some point in the conversation, I said, "Oh, I am not Singaporean, I am Malaysian." He replied, "I could tell!" I was quite surprised. "Really? How?" One of the key reasons I was rather puzzled is because we were conversing in English. In the earlier days when I first came to Singapore, the taxi uncles would ask after a few minutes of conversation, "You are from Malaysia, right?" And that was because I spoke with a different Mandarin accent. Now, I think my accent has completely changed, and I never get that question any more.

Anyway, back to questioning my friend. He said, to my surprise, "Singaporean girls do not laugh. They only laugh from the throat, but not from the belly." He went on to share, "The word to describe them is 'constipated'."

I immediately jumped to the Singaporean girls' defence. "I am sure that it is just some of the Singaporean girls that you have met. It cannot be all." He said, "Come on, I have been here for close to 20 years! I have met many Singaporean girls…" I said, "I still think it is a generalisation!" He gamely challenged me, "Well, you just go and observe from now on…!" Just in case you are wondering if he is single, he is happily married with teenage children.

The above is my friend's personal opinion. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion, and that's his. Whether his opinion is true or not, it did set me thinking. I think Singaporean or not, male or female, we probably come across as 'constipated' at some point or other in our lives.

I love to smile, I love to laugh. I usually get these comment a lot. "You smile a lot!" or "You love to laugh, don't you?" or "Is it really so funny?" The last question came from a Singaporean guy friend of mine. Perhaps it is because my Chinese name has the word "Laugh". I am not sure. If Chinese name has a part to play, I sure am glad that both my kids have the word "Happy" in their Chinese name.

When I hear something funny, I do not worry about looking silly or looking 'unladylike'. I will just laugh. And when I laugh, I would really vibrate with laughter. Not very 'glam' I must say. But I do love a good laugh.

One of the key advices I always give to my clients or even blog readers when going on a date is, "Be happy! Smile! We all love to be around happy people!" Perhaps I should change my advice to,

"Do not be afraid to laugh! Laugh with your date, laugh at yourself! Even if nothing comes out of it, at least you have had a good laugh!"

In my humble opinion, think it is definitely better to come across as 'unglam' than 'constipated'. And like the saying go, "Laughter is the best medicine!" According to Wikipedia… Laughter has been shown to lead to reductions in stress hormones. When laughing the brain also releases endorphins that can relieve some physical pain. Laughter also leads to a stronger immune system!

My dearest readers, so when was the last time you laughed? Like really, really laughed? What are you waiting for? Go and have a good laugh at my expense!

Image Source: www.housepaintings.net

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Reviewing the goals that I have set for 2012, I have achieved 80-90% of the personal goals that I have set under the categories of Faith, Relationship, Family, Business and Personal Development. However, I have failed miserably in the Health and Friends categories. Nevertheless, looking back at the year 2012, I will remember it as one of the best years in my life thus far.

Knowing God, Serving God

One of the things that I have always wanted to do since becoming a Christian is to study the bible. However, I have never been able to read the bible diligently until a good friend of mine introduced me to Bible Study Fellowship (BSF), where you meet with a group to study the bible for 32 weeks. I never thought that I would be able to commit due to my frequent travel, as there is an attendance policy. However, with the encouragement of my group leader, I persevered and completed my first year of BSF. I am so glad that I have taken my first step to studying the bible and knowing God’s words.

As I have received abundant blessings, I wanted to give back through a ministry. Hence, when there was a ‘recruitment drive’ for Sunday School teachers, I prayed on it, and decided to volunteer. I have met so many amazing brothers and sisters in Christ that are serving passionately in the ministry, and I am so blessed to be able to be part of the lives of the delightful K1 kids (5 years old) that I teach at Sunday School.

12 Happy Years and Counting

In 2012, two of my close friends’ marriages broke down. I am very saddened and shocked by the news. I know that divorces are on the rise across the world, but somehow, I thought that my circle of friends would somehow be shielded from these statistics. But this was not to be.

Jamie and I celebrated our 12^th year of knowing each other, and 7^th year of marriage in 2012. And as couples get more familiar with each other, it is inevitable that they begin to take each other for granted. Like most married couples (despite popular beliefs), Jamie and I do have our ups and downs, and our fair share of disagreements and arguments.

We have learnt from a wise man that we should put our marriage as the number one priority in our lives. Our marriage must come before our children, our extended family, our business, and our personal goals… With that view in mind, we have learnt to resolve our arguments by putting away our egos, and saying sorry even when sorry is the hardest word.

One of my goals for 2012 was to have weekly date nights with hubby. And this is a session we look forward to every week where we ‘pak toh’ (date) and enjoy each other’s company be it through a dinner date or a movie date.

Focus on the Family

Even as Singapore and many of the first world countries battle with declining birth rates as more people are getting married later and delaying parenthood, I often say to Jamie, “Why would anybody not want to have kids?” So much so, I am starting to sound like a broken record. The truth is… Corum and Cara have brought so much joy into my life, our lives.

They wake me up in the morning with their happy chattering. They make me laugh with their corny jokes. They give me hope for the world with their lofty aspirations. And they warm my heart with their unconditional love. Watching them grow up is one of the most satisfying journeys of my life. I am so very blessed to be given a chance to experience motherhood and I thank God every day for our two very wonderful children.

Many people were astounded when they find out that Jamie and I live with his parents, his grandmother, his elder and younger brother and his elder brother’s family. We have four generations living under one roof – a rarity in today’s society as more young families choose to live on their own. Friends were even more amazed to find out that we actually get along! Hence, I am so glad when my sis-in-law suggested that we start a family prayer group earlier this year. It has been an amazing experience praying for each other and our other family members, and we have grown even closer as a family.

The Love Business

We celebrated our 8 years in business this year. We have set extremely ambitious targets for 2012, and I am so proud of my team that despite some challenges and setbacks along the way, we made it!!! We have received many wedding invitations, gifts and presents from our happy clients. And it is so incredibly heartwarming to know that we have made a difference in our clients’ lives and we have had a part to play in their lifelong happiness.

2012 was also the year we came onto the TV screen sponsoring our first dating show “Love in Progress” and launching our first TV commercial! As this was our first foray into TV, we definitely still have much to learn. Nevertheless, it was an amazing feeling to have taken this first step to educate and change mindsets.

Our team of Cupids & Transformers has expanded exponentially over the years, and I am so thrilled that we have found so many dedicated individuals who are passionate to join our cause to help singles find love!

Learning and Growing

I have joined the Entrepreneurs Organisation (EO), a worldwide organization with 122 chapters in 35 countries. It is truly an enlightening experience getting to know other fellow entrepreneurs, and learning from their triumphs as well as failures. It is also reassuring to know that I am not alone in facing the multitudes of challenges and heartaches that most if not all entrepreneurs have to go through.

Health is Wealth

I know that it is important to stay healthy to keep up with my dreams and my lifestyle. I need to be more disciplined to achieve these goals in 2013. And I am glad that I have found a form of exercise that I enjoy very much, and it is sustainable. My new-found solution? Dancing on Xbox Kinect! J

Good Friends Make The World Go Round

I have been blessed with many good friends throughout my life. As we grow older with more work and family commitments, the time that I am able to catch up with friends has diminished. I have not been as good at keeping in touch as I would like. Hence in 2013, I have set an objective to reconnect with at least one old friend every month.

If Only We Believe

One of the highlights of my year 2012 had to be being invited onto Malaysian radio station 988FM as a talk show guest. I have been an invited guest at various radio stations but this was particularly special because I grew up listening to 988FM. Never in my wildest dream as a teenager did I think I would one day be an invited guest to share my views and expertise on my favourite radio station.

Which reminds me… our greatest enemy is often ourselves. We can be whoever we want to be. We can achieve whatever we want to achieve. Nothing can stop us. If only we truly believe.

Thanks Be to God

I am thankful for my achievements as well as the setbacks I have encountered in 2012. I am thankful for the many media opportunities that I have been given to encourage singles to take their first proactive step to find love and happiness. I am thankful for my hubby who is my anchor and my rock, my parents who love me unconditionally, my wonderful children who keep me grounded and sane, my ever-supportive extended family, my very helpful domestic helper, my most amazing team at Lunch Actually Group and all my loving and encouraging friends.

I am looking forward to 2013. The best is yet to be.

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As 2013 draws to a close, as part of my annual ritual, I sit down at my desk at home to reflect on the year that is coming to pass.

2013 has been an eventful year. There have been many ups and downs, many joys and disappointments. Perhaps even more, there are so many lessons that I have learnt.

Here are my top 13 lessons this year…

~ Personal ~

1. Stop Working on Sundays. Work will NEVER end. Friends have commented previously that I seem to be online all the time. This year, I realised that no matter how hard I work, work will always be there. The emails will not stop coming in, the projects will not stop streaming in. And hence, this year, I decided to stop working on Sundays. I never thought it was possible. I even felt guilty initially as I thought that work will pile up since I am working one day less. What I have realised is, actually by giving myself fewer working days, it actually forces me to more efficient with my time, and plan my time better!

2. Health is Wealth. I have fallen really sick twice this year. My lower back is giving me problem. My bunions are growing bigger. I am putting on weight. And I am only 33. I need to look after myself better. I need to eat healthier and spend more time exercising. Because, at the rate I am going, I am running down my body. And all the money, accolades and achievements in the world mean nothing, if I cannot live a healthy life. I have to be more disciplined with my personal training as well as my eating habits.

3. It is Important to Reflect and Sharpen My Saw. As much as I try to make time for myself regularly, I find that I do not have a lot of me-time with having to juggle family time with business and other commitments. I started to feel down and my energy being sapped away. This year, I have started the habit of setting aside a day every month to just read, relax and reflect. My PA knows this as my 'Read & Think Day' and does not schedule any appointments on that day. New ideas started to flow freely again, and I come out of it feeling refreshed and recharged.

4. Who am I to Judge? This year, I have been privy to a lot of confidential information. And some of these information have been shocking (and some disturbing) for me. The initial reaction like what most people would do was of course to judge. However, I realised that everybody have gone through different life experiences, and it is really not for me to judge their actions and decisions. And once I learnt to suspend judgments, I started to focus on how these revelations help me know and understand myself better – who I am, what I stand for, what my values are. And how I can make use of these knowledge to make a difference.

~ Family ~

5. Charity Begins at Home. I never really understood what this saying truly means until recently. A lot of us spend a lot of time doing good for the community, for the world. We are willing to donate not just money, but also our time and also our patience. And sometimes, we forget that being kind, generous and compassionate is actually most needed at home. We are usually most critical of the people around us. We are usually most impatient with the people whom we love and love us. This year, I have made a conscious effort to be kinder, more compassionate and more patient with the people closest and dearest to me.

6. Our Children Wants Our 100% Attention when We Spend Time with Them. There has been endless discussions on Quality Time vs. Quantity Time. What I have come to realise is – our children need both. But most importantly, when we are with them, they want our 100% attention. No smartphones, no tablets, no daydreaming. I learnt this when I tried a 'management tool' with my kids after an evening out at the park. I asked them what were their '3 highs and 3 lows' of the day. For the biggest high, Corum said, "When you played ball with me!" and Cara replied, "When you brought me to watch the singing and dancing at the stage area!" This is a good reminder for me that being in the same room or space with them simply does not constitute spending time. It is about 100% engagement, 100% attention.

7. Family Rituals are Important. We started many family rituals this year. Family movie nights where we have pasta and pizza takeaway and watch a movie at home. Family meetings/conferences where we discuss family laws, holiday plans etc. Annual Family Holidays where we spend 24 hours together, just the 4 of us. These rituals have brought us closer as a family. It has also amazed me how much a 4 year old kid is actually capable of understanding and doing. At our final family meeting of the year which has taken place 3 hours ago, Corum and Cara have just set their 2014 Goals.

8. Our Parents are Not Getting Any Younger. Just recently, I brought my dad to get some insoles for his shoes as his feet are aching. He also told me that he cannot see the maps on GPS machine clearly. Like all little girls, while growing up, my daddy is my hero. He carries me on his shoulders when I was a toddler. He ferries me around in his car when I grew older. He has always been and still is looking after me. It is easy to take for granted that our parents will always be young, healthy and energetic. I now make a point to spend time to have lunch, dinner or even supper with my mummy and daddy… to have long and deep conversations with them when they are visiting us in Singapore or when I am back in KL.

~ Business ~

priceless gift. words of encouragement from my associates.

9. 1 to 1 time is Priceless. When we first started Lunch Actually, there were only 4 of us. Now there are 40+ of us. In the past, I would have daily conversations with everybody. Now, everybody is scattered in different offices and countries. Of course I communicate regularly with my direct reports. However, there are some of our associates whom I would have probably just spoken with at orientation and some small talk at company gatherings. After reading a book that says that lunches should be fully utilised, I have decided to have "lunch dates" with my associates. Once a week, I will have a one-to-one lunch with one of my associates where we can talk about anything they want – work, family, personal, goals, life etc. I got to know a lot of my associates a lot better – their aspirations, their family, their passions. I did not realise the impact of this initiative until I recently received a Christmas card from one of our associates. The card read, "You may not be around all the time, but you have no idea how much I do appreciate the 1-1 time spent with you over lunch. A boss who makes the effort to learn and know their associates better. I feel so appreciated and loved."

10. Work CAN be and SHOULD be Fun. Learning from my fellow entrepreneur friends at EO (Entrepreneurs' Organization), I implemented a company wide Daily Huddle where associates will come together to update each other on their daily goals and accomplishments. And we will end off with a Morning Dance. When we first started, my strategy team and I were apprehensive of the associates' reaction to the Morning Dance. Would they think we are crazy? Or would they find it too childish? Well, our team of Cupids & Transformers simply LOVE it!!! Thank God! :) When I shared with some friends in their 20s that we dance every morning at work… they were stunned for a second. And then, they started to ask, "Do you have openings in your company? Can we join?" This has made me realise that… work does not always have to be serious and uptight. Work CAN be fun, and SHOULD be fun. In fact, I always ask my associates, "Is work still fun?" Because we spend 8-9 hours a day at work, and when it becomes a drag to go to work everyday, maybe it is time to move on.

11. The Power of Empowerment and Autonomy is Simply Amazing. This year, we hived off one of our growing products and put in charge a COO and product manager to run it. They will seek Jamie's and my advice and counsel for major and critical decisions. Other than that, they are mostly on their own. I am personally amazed and astonished by the results that they and their team have produced in the last year. For entrepreneurs and managers out there, what I have learnt is… our people if given the right environment to grow and thrive, have a lot to give and contribute. What we need to do is to make sure that we are a 'multiplier' and not a 'diminisher'. Because under a leader who is a 'multiplier', teams are known to be 2 or more times more effective and productive. But if you have a manager who is a 'diminisher', people will actually 'dumb down' because they feel suppressed and are afraid to try new things and make mistakes.

12. The Danger of Falling into the Trap of Self-Justification and… Complacency. Today, I am thankful that Lunch Actually Group is South East Asia's leading dating company with thousands of successful couples and marriages under our belt. Yet, if you were to compare our revenues to many other businesses out there, we are miniscule. Some people would say, "You cannot compare with others because your industry is a niche industry. You started out in a small region. Actually, you have done very well!" Do not get me wrong. I am all for being happy and contented with what I have been blessed with. However, I also believe that if I fall into the trap of self-justification, I would eventually become complacent and stop pushing myself to become a better businesswoman to improve the business, to extend the reach of our services. Being complacent does not serve me, my family, my associates nor the singles' lives whom we can touch through our company products and services. I have learnt that it is ok to whine and self-pity sometimes, but it is important to differentiate facts from excuses.

And to sum it all up, I have learnt to…

13. Let Go, Let God. There have been many mini-miracles that have happened in 2013 that I know can only be through God's grace. It has not been a year without trials and tribulations. There were times when we were lost, and not sure what to do. I thank God for walking alongside Jamie and I in the last year. I have learnt that we can make plans but our plans will only succeed when we commit them to Him. God has shown us that He has plans for us, and He alone can bring these plans to fruition for His reasons, in His timing.

If you are reading this, I thank YOU for being a part of my life. I have so many people to be thankful for this year.

A BIG thank you to: My hubby Jamie - my rock, my children Corum & Cara – my miracles, my parents – my harbour, my parents-in-law, my helper, my extended family – my amazing support system, my associates at Lunch Actually Group and Prizle.com – my inspiration, my EO forum mates and friends – my council of advisors, my brothers and sisters in Christ – my fellow disciples in Christ, and last but not least, my close friends – my sanity.

To each and every of you, I pray that you and your family will have a blessed year ahead.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Love, Violet

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Another year has just gone by. The last month, the last week and the last day of 2014. And here I am, doing what I have been doing for the last 11 years, sitting down and taking stock of the year has just passed.

As I prepare to write my annual report, I read through all my previous annual reports, and many of them brought a smile to my face, and some made me tear. I reviewed the goals that I have set for this year, I read through all my monthly forum updates and note the key events that have taken place throughout the year.

One thing for sure – 2014 is a year of abundant blessings.

Business

2014 – we celebrate 10 years in business. All the 3 business goals that I have set have been accomplished. We expanded to a new market after so many years. We forayed into the world of mobile dating apps. And, for me, the momentous achievement is… having successfully grew more than 50% this year, we hit a new revenue milestone for the business! I am so so proud because we achieved the BHAG that Jamie and I set for the company in Dec 2011. At our year-end management retreat then, I made my entire management team stand up, put their right hand up and pledge, “Today is 31 Dec 2014. We are a $XXX company.” At that point, I think many of my associates thought I was crazy, and felt that they have no choice but to say it since I am the boss. It was a target that seemed out of reach, it was a target that seemed almost impossible, it felt insurmountable.

Today, 3 years later on 31 Dec 2014, by God’s Grace, we did it!

The power of the BHAG – Big Hairy Audacious Goal. The power of my dream team. My cupids & transformers, I love love love you. Without you, we would not have been able to #makeithappen!

Personal

2014 was a year of physical challenge. My forum mates and I decided to scale the tallest mountain in South East Asia – Mount Kinabalu. I am not sure what possessed our group of 8 ranging from 29 to 52 years old to take on this task. It started out as a joke, but it became a reality in May. Being one of the most unfit in the group, I trained by climbing the tallest hill in Singapore – Bukit Timah, which if you think about it is quite a joke because Bukit Timah is 164m and Mount Kinabalu is 4095m!!! I was extremely nervous before the climb. My forum mates were my pillars of strength as we forged ahead. There were times when I felt really tired and exhausted, wondering why I was doing this. They cheered me on, encouraged me and sang hymns with me nearing the summit. We were rewarded with the most beautiful sunrise as we conquered the summit. And it was all worth it.

And as if that was not punishing enough, I decided to sign up for a full marathon (42km), another challenge inspired by one of my forum mates, Annie. Knowing my personal limits, I engaged a running coach – Coach Ram. We trained for 6 weeks – starting first with 8km, and progressing to 30km. It was hard, it was grueling. There were many times I wanted to quit. There were many days that I did not want to wake up for my runs. But I began to realize that running a marathon is like running a business. There are tough days. there are challenges, but if you just keep at it and never give up – all the training, all the drilling, all the pushing… one day, it would all come together. And that was what happened. On race day, I managed to run non-stop for 10km!!! There was a time, I could not even run 1km without stopping. Even though, due to race technicalities, I did not manage to run the full 42km, I have resolved to complete my 42km race in 2015.

It has been 10 years since Jamie and I went on a humanitarian trip. Inspired by yet another forum mate, Liz, we decided to join her on her annual Global Clinic trip to Ladakh. It is hard to believe that such a beautiful place exist in this world. During our short stay, we set up a mobile eye, dental and women’s clinic and we served thousands of local folks. It was a blessing to be able to reach out and touch another’s life. And in return, we ourselves are touched. As we drove through the peaks and valleys in our small little van, and as the experienced driver maneuvered through the sharp bends, one thought was constantly on my mind. I looked at the simple houses, the sparse villages against the stately landscapes. Yet, the children always had a smile on their faces. And as we pursue success, we pursue wealth, we push ourselves, we push our children. Are we truly happy? In that short trip, I realized that… we actually needed so little to be happy. Happiness is the gap between expectation and reality. The smaller it is, the happier we will be.

Family

Next year, Jamie and I celebrate our 10th year wedding anniversary. We have had our ups and downs, our trials and tribulations, but one thing remains – he’s God sent, and he’s the best thing that has happened to my life. Nobody knows me as well as he does. Nobody challenges me as well as he does. Because of his love, his support, his encouragement, he makes me a better person, year after year.

Corum and Cara are growing up fast. Having grown up being very close to my parents, I worry constantly that I am not spending enough time with them with my different passions and commitments. I thank God for helping me make time and prioritize. I have successfully had monthly dates with them – spending time with them individually – doing things that they enjoy. I learnt from my good friend Moonlake to work around their schedule rather than working them around mine. It is not easy, but I am consciously working on it to make it work. Corum is becoming more and more like daddy – serious and quiet, loves history, science and Minecraft. He’s a thinker, a daydreamer and he is becoming quite a strategist. And when it comes to friendship – it is not the quantity but the quality that counts. Cara at 5, never ceases to amaze us with her entrepreneurial spirit. She is spunky, she is determined, and she is extremely loyal to those she loves (especially her kor-kor). She loves all things pink and purple, Hello Kitty, My Little Pony, and baking!

I feel that God has given us a big test this year. And if it is indeed a test, I hope we have passed it with flying colours. We have been asked to separate our Christian values from our working lives. And that set off alarm bells in our heads, because we set up this organization to do God’s work, to glorify His name and to make a difference in people’s lives. We said no. God has been extremely faithful. Every time we prayed, He has answered. He has been our guiding light in our decisions, big or small. Jamie and I have been deeply inspired by the movie Facing the Giants.

Our favourite quote – “And if we win, we praise Him. And if we lose, we praise Him. Either way we honor Him with our actions and our attitudes.”

I must thank my parents, in-laws, extended family and helper for your endless support and helping me to live my dreams. My best friend Tsiao Yi for your 20+ years of friendship. My Top Ten Forum Mates who challenged and inspired me to greater heights. My many mentors who have advised me and shared with me their experiences so generously and unconditionally. My associates at #LunchActuallyGroup for believing in me and making my dream come true. Corum and Cara for bringing sunshine, rainbow and happiness into my life. And to my one true love Jamie, words cannot express my gratitude. I love you.

2014 has been a momentous year. I have laughed, I have wept. I have fallen, I have learnt. Thank you for being part of it! Happy New Year, and may you and your family be blessed with much love, laughter and happiness in 2015!!!

Love,
Violet

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Turning 35 is a big milestone. I am officially middle age! Just like how I reflected when I turned 30, I decided to do a mini reflection now that I have turned 35.

Here are 10 things that I have learnt in the last couple of years.

1. You cannot find your passion. Your passion will find you. Just like any other wide-eyed idealistic youth, I wanted to travel the world, I wanted to find myself, I wanted to know what my passion is. I have learnt that as romantic as it might sound, one cannot find his or her passion by doing “Eat, Pray, Love”. When you have the right mindset, when you are ready, your passion will find you. When I first went into the matchmaking business, did I know 100% that this was my passion? Not really. It was after years of keep going at it that I eventually know that this is what I love doing, and want to continue doing.

2. You cannot be everyone’s friend. You cannot make everyone like you. My DISC profile is high D, high I. I love people. I crave for people’s approval. I used to get very upset when I think some people do not like me. I have even tried all sorts of way to please them hoping that by doing that, I can “buy their love”. I have learnt over the years that – if you were to have accomplished anything in life, you would have your supporters and detractors. Nowadays, I am happy and contented to have a small circle of close family and friends who love me for who I am. And these are the people I know that I can always count on no matter what happens.

3. You should always tell the truth, and not try to be politically correct. When I first started out, I always try to be politically correct. I would sugarcoat my statements. I was afraid that if I were to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth, I might hurt others, or I might get complaints. I have come to realize that, it is always better to tell it as it is. People appreciate it when you are sincere, genuine and authentic. Even though the truth might sting, most of the times, they already know it. And they were just waiting for someone to affirm what they know. By being politically correct, we are actually not helping them at all.

4. Happiness is a choice. I have learnt that happiness is the gap between expectations and reality. The closer the gap, the happier one would be. Sometimes, we might not be able to change our circumstances. However, we can always change our expectations. Often, by just making a small tweak to our perspective, our life will be so much happier and rosier. Do not wait to be happy. Do not put your happiness into the hands of others. Choose to be happy. Today. Now.

5. Sometimes it is better to be smart than to be right. I have a strong sense of justice. I have strong principles. Most of the times, I am an easy-going person. Friends might even feel that I do not have much opinion. I let people get their way on matters that are not important to me. But when it comes to matters of principle, I stand my ground and rarely budge. However, over the years, I have learnt that sometimes, it is better to be ‘smart’ than to be right. By giving way, by taking a step back, there would be more long-term benefits for all parties concerned, why not? I have learnt (still learning, honestly) to put my ego aside for the greater good.

6. Let go, let God. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. (Psalms 37:5) I have learnt to make plans and commit all my plans to Him. There is no reason to fret, to worry, to be anxious. When the time is right, He will bring it to pass. Since I have started to let go, let God, my life has become a lot simpler, calmer and more peaceful.

7. Leadership is a learned skill. The more you practice, the better you get. I used to worry a lot that I am a bad manager, a bad leader. I swung from being my team members’ best friend, to becoming a tyrant. Obviously, both did not work out very well. I have realized over the years that other than a few lucky ones who are born leaders, for the rest of us, it is about learning and practicing. Read books on leadership and management, practice the concepts and get feedback from others. And one day, you wake up to realize that you have become a much better leader!

8. When you forgive, you are not doing someone else a favour, you are actually doing yourself a favour. People will wrong us, and we will wrong others. Some do it out of spite and malice; some do it without even knowing and realizing it. We can hold a grudge forever, or we can choose to forgive. I initially found it very hard. Why should I forgive when I am not in the wrong? Why should I forgive when the person has not even apologized? And when I finally mustered the courage to forgive, I realized how much lighter and better I felt. Negative energy weighs us down. By learning to forgive, we free ourselves from emotional baggage and bondage.

9. When you take others’ feedback, it is not acknowledging you are not good enough; you are merely listening and learning from someone else’s point of view. I used to hate getting feedback. Of course, in front of the person giving me the feedback, I would smile and nod, but internally, I am screaming for the person to stop! I realized that I hated feedback because I felt that people are putting me down, and saying I am not good enough. But now, I realized that, feedback is just feedback. Take the good points, and discard the bad. And ever since that, personally, I have grown leaps and bounds, and the business has also been on an upward trend.

10. Life is not a sprint; it is a marathon. Went to Corum’s track and field championship the other day, and was watching the boys run. For the younger boys, they would keep looking beside and behind them, trying to see if anybody is catching up. And in life, that’s normal. Many of us will at some point or other be trying to ‘catch up with the Joneses’ – who has the bigger house, who has the more expensive car, whose kids are doing better? I have learnt that sometimes you are ahead, sometimes others are. But actually, that’s not really the point. The point is – are you a better version of yourself today, compared to yesterday? I have learnt to pace myself. Step by step.

There is still a long road ahead.

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I started 2015 on a high. Having just ended 2014 with a big bang after achieving our company’s 3 years BHAG, I was feeling good and confident. Looking back, I probably have been a tad too confident after a string of successes.

To describe 2015 in a phrase – I would choose – A Bumpy Ride. There were so many ups and downs. Many good moments, yet many more heartaches. But what really mattered at the end is, by God’s grace, we have come to a soft landing and still grew amidst the challenges. Looking back at 2015, what I am most grateful for is, despite the trials and tribulations, the tears and the turmoils, we survived.

3 biggest business/leadership wins:

Invited to speak on the same stage with world leader Barack Obama at the ASEAN Business & Investment Summit (ABIS). I am immensely grateful for the opportunity because it was a reminder to me that despite all the challenges that I am facing, I am on the right track, and I am in the right industry and the right business. I believe that many of these speaking and media opportunities would not have come my way if I have not chosen to persevere in my chosen career path.
Acquisition of Thailand’s largest dating company MeetnLunch. Jamie and I have been friends with Nikki for a long time. Hence, it was a dream come true to finally be able to enter Thailand and work together with a fellow entrepreneur who is equally passionate about the dating industry. This collaboration helped to further cement our position as South East Asia’s leading dating company.
Growing our next generation of leaders. This Christmas, I received a very heartwarming note from two of my associates. They are both very sharp and intelligent young ladies who joined us at about the same time 3 years ago. In the past 3 years, I have spent tens of hours coaching and mentoring them. And today, it gives me great joy and tremendous satisfaction to see them shining in their roles as they take on leadership positions in the company.

3 biggest family wins:

Jamie and I celebrating our 10th year wedding anniversary. 2015 was actually a challenging year for Jamie and I on the relationship front. We snapped at each other more, we were less patient with each other. It could be due to the stress we were facing on the work front or it could be due to the fact that after so many years of being together, we started to take each other for granted. We faced our challenges head-on, talked it out and made tweaks and adjustments. I am proud that we have committed since day 1 to always put our marriage first, and that has helped us tide through our tough times this year.
Celebrating my dearest mummy’s 70th birthday. People are usually shocked beyond words to find out that my mum is 70 years old. I hope that I have gotten her youthful genes too. Jamie and I went back to KL together with the kids to celebrate her birthday. We threw a party where we invited family as well as her closest friends. I am happy that my mummy is happy and healthy. To me, my mum is the Proverbs 31 woman – a woman worth far more than rubies: she works hard, she brings glory to her husband, she look after her children and her household well. I have so much to learn from her.
Precious family time. I counted… I made 37 trips this year. That’s 3+ trips a month. Some were long trips, some were day trips. I spent a lot of time away from home and the family. When I was reflecting on my year, my happiest moments were the moments spent with Jamie, Corum and Cara at Botanic Gardens, at East Coast Park, at our family holidays to Beijing and Bali. I might not have been the children’s main caretaker or spend as much time with them as I would like to but I focus on making every experience and every moment count.

3 biggest personal/community wins:

Completing Bible Study Fellowship – Life of Moses. This is my fourth year in BSF. I completed the first 2 years, dropped out of the third, and thankfully completed my fourth year despite my hectic travel schedule. I set a goal to complete it, and there were times that I flew back to Singapore specifically just to attend BSF. I figured that if I could do that for work, why not for my thirst for God’s word? I have been extremely blessed by this year’s study of the life of Moses. As I went through my personal and business struggles, I was comforted that if God would provide for Moses as he led the Israelites out of Egypt and out of the wilderness, God would lead me out of this mess. And He did.
Diving Trip in Manado. I have been wanting to dive since I was a student. However, the opportunity came and passed and never presented itself again until my EO forum mates decided that we would go diving for our forum retreat this year. It was a hassle going for the theory and practical classes in Singapore prior to the dive trip and I begrudgingly went through them. When we finally went to the open sea, I had no regrets. Nothing prepared me for the beauty and grandeur of the underwater world. We saw many turtles, lion fishes, “Nemo” and many beautiful corals. I loved the tranquility of the moment, just me, the quietness of the ocean, and the graceful fishes.
Rotary Medical Mission Trip to Nepal. I was touched by the heartwarming welcome they gave us. The whole town of Bandipur came out to welcome us. During this medical mission trip, I had a once in a lifetime experience of performing pap smears for the village women. There were not enough doctors and nurses, so they trained a group of us ladies to perform pap smears in a small and sparsely furnished hospital room with two steel beds, where two ladies will be lying side by side on each bed. This experience left a deep impression because I can’t help but compare my own pap smear experience with theirs. It made me feel extremely grateful for what I have and reminded me to stop complaining about life.

3 biggest lessons learnt in 2015:

The power of a compelling vision. In September 1965, Lee Kuan Yew said, “This country belongs to all of us. We made this country from nothing, from mud-flats… Over 100 years ago, this was a mud-flat, swamp. Today, this is a modern city. Ten years from now, this will be a metropolis. Never fear!” He and his super competent A-team built that and a lot more. During the week of national mourning, I watched many footages of Lee Kuan Yew’s fiery speeches. He was a man with a vision, a man with a purpose. Millions mourned his passing as he has made a mark. I do not know yet what my legacy would be. But I do know that if I have a big enough vision and compelling enough purpose, and the grit and perseverance to keep going, I too can make a difference.
Stick to your core mission, stick to what you know and do best. This year, we strayed from our core to chase after “shiny toys”. As we were going about it, I had a gut feeling that something was not right. Even though I have committed to the plan, I was not 100% convinced that it was the right thing to do for us. I consulted my mentor. She told me to keep my eyes on our core, and not to get distracted by what others are doing. Initially, I was reluctant to take her advice. As the plans started to fall through, I took a step back and realised that my mentor was right. We made the decision to stop pursuing “shiny toys” and refocus on our core. It felt extremely good, and instantly, I felt at peace.
The importance of building great teams and surrounding yourself with competent people. In the midst of the craziness that I was going through this year, what kept me sane were the people around me. Jamie, my parents, my helper, my extended family, my amazing team at work, my friends. When I had to go for an urgent work trip, my support network at home pulled their weight and helped out with the kids. When I was feeling down and drained, and could not muster the strength to chair yet another strategy planning retreat, Jamie stepped in and did a fantastic job. When I was not sure if I could push my team any harder, the leaders themselves stepped up, kept morale up and took up the load on their shoulders. I am thankful for each and every one of these angels in my life.

It has not been an easy nor smooth-sailing year. I have learnt a lot of hard lessons this year. I believe that God has a purpose, and He is preparing me for greater things to come.

To everyone who’s reading this annual report, thank you for your love, your support and your encouragement. Thank you for being a part of my life.

Here’s to wishing you and your family a Blessed and Brighter 2016 ahead!

Love, Violet

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This post is inspired by some comments on a TV advert that I was recently featured in. Netizens have taken the liberty to highlight my non-beauty by comparing me to 如花, a Taiwanese entertainment personality famous for her “exaggerated ugliness”. Actually, this is not the first time that netizens have said that I reminded them of 如花. A few years ago, when I was featured in an online article on Yahoo! there were similar comments as well.

The truth is if you were to measure my physical appearance by the standard worldly yardsticks, I am definitely not Miss Universe. It has been said that the more symmetrical your face is, the more beautiful you are. If you look closely at my facial features, my left eye is bigger than my right eye. My left eyebrow is also higher than my right eyebrow. Other than having one eye bigger than the other, I also have single eyelids. I also have lazy eyes on one eye. Having always been on the heavier side, I do not recall ever be considered “slim” in my entire life.

Growing up, I remembered struggling with an extremely low self-esteem. I was overweight, had acne all over my face and had a very ordinary or below average face. Boys would usually befriend me not because they want to know me but because they wanted me to introduce them to my beautiful friends. One of my guy friends commented how flat my face was. Another commented that, “If I were a girl and I am not pretty, I would rather die!”

When I was 15 or 16, I recalled feeling really resentful of my beautiful friends. Their beautiful looks were something that they were born with. They did not work for it. I felt that life was really unfair because they did nothing to deserve the love, the adoration, and the attention that they were getting. And I do not deserve being sidelined just because I was not born beautiful.

Being someone who feels that being a victim is disempowering, I quickly snapped out of it. I realized that there was no point harping over something that I could not change. And I focused on things that I could change.

I could be a better friend.
I could be a persuasive public speaker.
I could become an impactful writer.
I could be a motivational leader.
I could be a change maker.

From then on, I did not invest too much time on dolling up or making myself look better. I focused on developing my confidence and other skillsets.

I honed my listening skills. Friends love talking to me because I am a good listener. I joined Toastmasters, a public speaking club. I practiced in front of mirrors, I recorded my speeches, I took videos of them. I perfected my speeches, took part in speech competitions and won. Till today, I am thankful for the comprehensive training that Toastmasters has given me. I learnt how to create a personal blog through HTML and Dreamweaver (when we did not have WordPress yet) and wrote to my heart’s content. I took up leadership positions in school, in college and at university. I joined service clubs like Rotary International and spearheaded many community service projects.

When I first met Jamie, the love of my life at 20 years old, he did not even remember the first time we met. Why? Because I was not the type of girl that he was usually interested in. In those days, he was only pursuing the prettiest girls in school. He did remember the second time we met. When I was delivering my campaign speech to be the President of a students’ society. He was impressed by my speech delivery and my concrete plans for the society.

For many years, I have forgotten that I was not "beautiful". Because my beauty or lack-of did not matter as I graduated from law school, did a Masters, landed a job with Citigroup as a management associate and subsequently starting Lunch Actually with Jamie, and then tying the knot a year later.

That was until I started to appear more frequently in the media, and netizens decided to chime in with their comments.

When the first nasty comment surfaced on the Yahoo! article, I cried. I did not understand why people who did not even know me could be so cruel. It disturbed me for days. Eventually, I got used to it and realize that this is something I have to live with if I were to continue to be in the public eye.

Hence, when it happened again recently, I was not as affected. However, it did spur me to write this post.

After going through all that I have gone through, you know what? I am thankful that I was not born beautiful.

If I were born beautiful, I probably would not have met Jamie as I would not value him as much as I did when he spoke to me. I would have found his approach boring because if I was born beautiful, I would have had many other suitors and would not given him the time of the day. Because I was not born beautiful, I treasure each and every encounter, each and every person who took time to get to know me. And I know that he loves me for me and not for my looks. I know that even when I am old and wrinkly at 80, it would not matter. Because that was never the reason why he was attracted to me in the first place.

If I were born beautiful, I would not be who I am today. I would not have spent so much time compensating for my “non-beauty” and honing the skillsets that are now priceless to what I do. I would not have been as good a listener, or as patient a manager or as empathetic a friend. I would not have honed my public speaking skills and I would not have taken up as many leadership positions in my youth. Without these skills that I have spent thousand of hours on, I would not be leading a 100-people organization, inspiring hundreds through speaking engagements and appearing in thousands of media coverage worldwide advocating for happy marriages.

My purpose of writing this post is to share with my young women friends out there – it really does not matter if you are not beautiful by the “world’s standard”. You do not need to be beautiful or slim to succeed in life. It does not matter you do not have a “thigh gap”. It does not matter that you do not have double eyelids. It does not matter that your nose is too flat. It does not matter what others say. Because it is not about what they say, but how you respond.

I could have ended up being a real bitter person blaming my misfortunes on not being born with a beautiful face. I could have continued to secretly resent my beautiful friends for the attention they were getting. I could have continued to suffer from low self-esteem and play victim. Instead, I decided to channel this negative energy into something positive that propelled me to become a better person.

What we make of our life is up to us. I have learnt to ignore those who laugh at me because as long as I continue to focus on doing the right things, one day, I would have the last laugh.

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Tow Shung went on to complete his specialist studies at Mayo Clinic. He tied the knot with his college sweetheart Tsiao Yi after 9 years of courtship.

It was a very beautiful and touching wedding and I am so grateful that I could be there to witness their testament of true and unconditional love. Many were initially apprehensive of their union as he has stage 4 cancer. However, my brave best friend never hesitated as she said 'yes' to his marriage proposal. In the last 3 years and 7 months, she has been his greatest supporter, his caretaker and his pillar of strength.

The pastor at the funeral service was right… Tow Shung has lived a full and complete life. Tow Shung has lived his life to the fullest.

His strength and his courage would continue to inspire us all. His positive take on his journey as a cancer patient will always remind me that…

We ALWAYS have a choice. We can either curse and complain when life throws us a curve ball. Or we can face up to it and make the best out of life and live our life to the fullest. For that, I forever thank him…

Tow Shung, till we meet again on that beautiful shore…

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When I shared this later with my hubby, I said with mock indignant, "How come nobody says that you are a lucky guy?" Hubby said without missing a beat, "I am a lucky guy!" See, I love this man!

So, here's my 'secret' step-by-step approach:

Step 1: Ask yourself, "What is my definition of a great guy?"

The most brilliant diamond is often hidden underneath what might seem like a rough rock. Look beyond the surface. Your perfect match might not come in the package that you expect, but if you could just spend some time to get to know him better, he could be the perfect guy for you.

Step 2: Being happy on your own

Are you currently happy? If you are not, find out why. Fix that first. What is your childhood passion? Go pursue your passion. What is a hobby you have been dying to pick up? Do it now. Where do you want to travel to? Apply for leave and pack your bags. When you are a truly happy person, guys will flock to you like bees to honey. Because honestly, we are all attracted to happy people.

Step 3: Rediscover your Kindness Quotient

Men do not like materialistic women. Men do not like opportunistic women. Men do not like to be taken for a ride. In short, men are not stupid.

Instead of thinking of what you can get from the guy, think of what you can give him. And actually, a great guy is not looking for much. He is simply looking for someone who appreciates him for who he is, and someone who is not afraid to give or wear her heart on the sleeve.

Happy dating!

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Honestly, I was quite put off with the movie title at first. Love in Space? Hmm…

The movie explores many different themes of romantic love.

Between the mother and her love match, it is about companionship between two people in their twilight years, two people sharing the same interest – cooking. Will love blossom?

Between the second sister and her match, it is about putting aside prejudices and differences, and working together to make a seemingly impossible relationship to work. Will it work?

The movie is out in all major cinemas today in Singapore, Malaysia and Hong Kong. Go catch it now!

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Have not updated my blog in months. And the significant other has started to nag me. 'When was the last time you blogged?' he asked.

The reason for the lack of blog posts is usually the same. The lack of time. Or more often the lack of inspiration.

And I guess, the truth is…

The strive for perfection.

The strive for perfection is also often the bane when it comes to singles looking for a mate.

Is he tall enough? Is she pretty enough?

Does he earn enough? Is she slim enough?

Is he really nice? Or is he faking it? Or why is he SO nice? There must be something wrong with him.

And so, what is the definition of perfect?

When you are feeling fulfilled and blissful, everything is perfect…

All the best in your path to meeting perfection…!

P/S I promise I would work on posting more regularly instead of seeking perfection.

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I dreamt of getting married by the age of 26.

Yes, when I was growing up, that was my goal. To get married by the time I am 26, and to have my first child when I am 28.

Why did I have a target to marry by 26 years old?

Having such a goal since young, I have never been shy to share this goal with people whom I know or guys whom I am dating seriously. I know, I know… some people would ask,

"Aren't you afraid that guys would run away?"

"Aren't you afraid that guys would think that you are desperate to get married?"

"Violet, why are you SO desperate?"

With everything in life, you will not succeed unless you have a dream, a strong belief and an action plan.

If you do not even dream of getting married, why would you end up being married?

If you do not believe you would ever be able to get married, chances are you won't.

And you can dream and believe all you want, but if you do not do anything about it, then it's highly unlikely your dream girl or prince charming would just fall from the sky.

My wish for you in 2012…

To my dearest readers, Merry Christmas and have a wonderful year ahead!

If you feel that this post might benefit your single friends who are looking for love, please tweet it or share it on Facebook. Thank you in advance!

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